As I sat in the waiting room today, I wondered what we would talk about. Therapy is so personal, and I never really know what to expect. I have been to about 6 sessions so far, and they were all an hour each. Talking to a person for an hour is also foreign so me. Just talking… about my life, and how all of the events I have experienced culminate into who I am today. For better or worse.
My therapist came out of his office and waved at me with a smile. The uneasy feeling in my gut started to get more intense. We had talked about so many things from my past, that I hadn’t revealed to anyone… ever. We sat down and he asked me what I would like to talk about today. I looked into space for a moment and shrugged, I never know where to start. After a moment it came to me. I hadn’t told him that I was going to write a blog. He knew I was starting to write a book and had mixed feelings. On one hand it is very therapeutic to write out specific details from traumatic events. On the other it can be a disastrous thing to do.
I told him I had started a blog and posted two stories. The second story I posted didn’t bother me to write or share. It is an exciting story about combat. I was comfortable writing about that specific day. Other combat stories I have had trouble with and haven’t wrote about them yet. The story I was having trouble about was the first one I posted on this blog. “Why I started this page.” You can find it on the home page. It details events from my childhood that my family wouldn’t understand.
I am in no way trying to upset my parents or make them defend themselves. I understand that I was their first child. We all have difficulty with our first. We haven’t had the experiences to teach and relay to the child. Parents are busy, especially at that time in their lives. We work to make money for our children, and don’t spend much time at home. We are tired when we get home and don’t want to deal with another problem. I used to get home and shower after welding on a drilling rig for hours. Im sure my fiancé at the time would have loved for me to want, to curl up on the couch and tell her about my day. I usually would ask her a few questions about her day, then sit down on the couch and watch some t.v. Before I went and crashed out.
I truly do understand. When I got into high school, and would do something wrong. I didn’t want to tell my parents anything. My mother would usually blow up and yell at me. Even if I didn’t do anything wrong, she usually nagged and was negative towards me. So what did I do? I would go hide in my room. I would leave my room to get food, and then turn around and head right back into my room. It got to where I would only see my family when I was coming or going. This followed me into adult hood.
If my fiancé and I, would start arguing I would shut down and close up. It was like my mind wouldn’t think about anything. It was blank and I couldn’t find the words. So I would try to separate myself from that situation. It was nothing against her. I loved her. I just didn’t know how to communicate in that way. It really hurt her if I stepped away from the conversation. I hated doing that, I hate running away. That was all my brain knew how to do.
This translates to my friends. I don’t want some of them to know I have been struggling with addiction. The few friends I still have mean so much to me. I don’t want to lose them. By telling them, it might make our relationship that much better. I am no longer getting high and have been sober for 30 days. But that weakness might make them push away. Its understandable, this person has a major problem, and I don’t need that in my life. I have done it to people myself. I am trying to better myself though, and to do that means I need too be honest with everyone in my life.
My therapist and I discussed this over an hours time. We talked about why I acted in these ways. It culminates into the way I was raised. The way I perceive emotion. He didn’t talk very much, just asked a few questions. I did most of the talking. I showed him the blog post in question. He understood my concerns with sharing what I had wrote. I came to the conclusion that I was still not ready to share these thoughts with them. I am going to wait until both them and myself are more comfortable. I hurt them at the end of my addiction. What I did still makes me mad, at myself. Im not that person. That’s not me.
Its very relieving, having someone I can tell everything too, and be truly honest with. I am growing, and more importantly, learning how to show emotion in a healthy way. I was mentally exhausted at the end of our session. Now I am going to work towards telling them individually. Easing into it, and genuinely tell them what I had been doing, how I am fixing it, and genuinely apologize to them, for the things I did. I did things that I would never do before the drugs entered my life, or now. I found myself feeding my addiction at all costs. It hurt the people around me. I am truly sorry for what I did. Guilt had taken over my emotions the last few months I was using. I hated who I had become.
I have taken steps to fix my problem but they will always follow me, and try to drag me back into the darkness. All I can do is resist, and be the best person I can. I genuinely want to make a difference in this world, and choose to do the right thing, when wrong is tugging at me… That’s how I will concur my demons. Thank you for reading, If you are having any issues yourself and want to talk about it. Please reach out, even if it means hurting your pride. You will feel 1000 times better having some of that weight off of your conscious. I would be happy to talk to anyone about their demons. You can reach me here by leaving a comment, or on twitter! Remember to Like, Share, and comment!