The Female Army Officer

A female Army Officer give a couple Marines a show in this funny tale from Afghanistan.

It was just another extremely hot and arid day in the Afghan desert. Well over 115 degrees. Most of our platoon were in the tents cooling off. Brett and I had stayed at the engineer area we named Yazzie’s Yard, after LCPL Yazzie. He was the only member of our platoon killed throughout our deployment. Shot by a sniper on the second day of the push, while providing cover fire for the engineers installing an expedient foot bridge across a large canal. So in his honor we named our area after him.

We shared our area with supply, but they kept mostly to themselves, unless we were hosting a poker game in the middle of the night. They had a small tent in the corner, and the entire battalions supply would pass through this little corner of our yard. There were twenty or more pallets of different items essential to keep us in Afghanistan spread out in front of the tent. Our CP (command post) was in a corner across the big yard, sharing the same base wall. The hesco wall made a big rectangle around the area, with a large opening to get our vehicles in and out, and a small opening on an adjacent wall, that acted as a shortcut for us to get to our tents. Next to this “shortcut” entrance were five PVC tubes that stuck out of the ground about three feet high, and at a 30 degree angle.

These were our own private “piss tubes” that we had installed, so that we didn’t have to venture all the way to the other side of the camp to take a leak. The smell of over-bearing ammonia always present, and closer you ventured to them, the more potent the horrible smell got. Especially on hot days, getting so bad it would make your eyes water. They were installed in the first days of the camp, and went down about 10 feet into the hard Afghan soil. There was a foot of gravel at the bottom, the rest was filled in with dirt. The ground was so hard at the bottom of the hole, that the urine wouldn’t absorb into the soil. It basically just sat there in the hole, with the tubes acting as perfect vents to the outside air.

Anyway, an army convoy pulled into the base to refuel. This was a somewhat common occurrence. They wouldn’t stay long, just long enough to fuel up, and be on their way. Their vehicles were had some great additions, that we would never acquire. They sported RPG cages, that went all the way around. You see, an RPG’s fuse is right at the tip of the rocket. So when it hit the cage, and explodes. The blast is a good distance from the vehicle, and has a large area to dissipate, making damage minimal.

The trucks also sported automatic 50 Cal turrets. So instead of having a soldier in the turret, they were controlling the gun from inside the vehicle, on a small handheld screen. Absolute protection, compared to us Marines that manned our turrets, and the only protection we had was the armor of our vehicles. All of this comes down to budget, the Army has a huge budget, and can spend money on these things. Marine budget comes from the Navy, and is much smaller. We get a lot of hand-me-downs from the other branches.

The soldiers would generally hang out around their vehicles while they were fueled. They were returning to one of the large bases with a store, where they could buy just about anything. Monster energy drinks, TV’s, Xbox’s, candy, and whatever else they fancied. So they didn’t have much of a reason to explore our tiny, primitively base. The only time they would leave their vehicles was to use the bathroom.

Well the convoy commander was a female Lieutenant, and she needed went looking for a bathroom, and ours was closest. She must have seen the tubes when they pulled in, they weren’t visible from anywhere else. So she walked over in her full gear, and I know she saw us. Two marines standing there watching her walk over. A female was a rare sight for us out in the middle of the Afghan desert. She walked right over to the tubes, right in front of us. Pulled down her pants, almost to her knees, hiked up her leg, and let go. Now we were 20 yards from her staring. She didn’t pay us any mind, she just did her thing. I’m sure our jaws were in the sand, standing there not saying a word. We never saw any of her private parts, she was facing away from us.

She finished up, pulled up her pants, while she turned to look at us. She smiled at us, and winked! Brett and I almost hit the ground we laughed so hard. She just shook her head with a big grin and walked back to her vehicle. They soon finished refueling, and headed back out of the wire. Brett and I laughed and joked about what we had just experienced. Telling all the guys our story back at the tent later that evening. Most of them didn’t believe us. Now I know, I know. None of this is a big deal, I just thought it was a funny story to tell you guys. How Marines think when we don’t see a female for months at a time, then this female Officer does that in front of us. It was a big deal to us back then.

I hope you enjoyed our shenanigans, and thank you to that female Army Officer for brightening a couple Marines day. The small things are what kept us going. Do you have any funny stories like this? Let us know in the comments! We would love to hear about your experiences!

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Author: okieschaos

I am an aspiring author, I write about my life, and the experiences that stood out to me. Afghanistan, PTSD, and how I am learning to cope with everyday issues keeps bringing me back to write more. My blog is in its infancy, but I truly believe it contains good insight. My goal is to help my family and friends better understand me. Hopefully my stories will inspire others like me, to have the courage to better themselves. I have found that writing helps me express myself, something that I struggle with in person. I hope you enjoy my writing! If you do please like, comment, and share. @okieschaos

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